


Had to go

by flirtywaluigi



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Bucky's not great at emotions, F/M, M/M, Post timetravel, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Some Fluff, kinda sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-15
Updated: 2019-09-09
Packaged: 2020-05-12 01:47:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19219114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flirtywaluigi/pseuds/flirtywaluigi
Summary: Bucky is dealing with everything that happened had the end of Endgame





	1. Chapter 1

_“Steve, I should have sent this earlier, I know technically you aren’t dead, but I had to move on and this was the easiest way to do it, and I’m gonna be honest with it, don’t worry but essentially, I don’t deserve the love and attention that I get._

_I know that I am a monster, regardless of where I am now, no amount of good deeds and selfless acts will ever clean my hands from the despicable things that they have done._

_I know it wasn’t my fault, I had no control over what I did, just a numb, mindless killing machine ordered around. But still I feel like I should be blamed. There is nothing that can make me completely feel whole again._

_That’s why I needed you, whether you were the skinny bean pole that I knew before war fogged up our entire lives. Before killing was the only thing that haunted my dreams. When your hands were capable of producing wonderous pieces of arts, before the government stomped on all of that to mould you to their perfect model of “Captain America”. Before I fell, something was off, for you, Peggy was there, and she became the centre of your view, whereas whatever those damned hydra agents had put in my head, it was slowly working, and I know I wasn’t myself._

_When I ‘came’ back, I know It would never be the same, but I recognise the man I used to be, but I don’t think I can ever get back to be the Bucky you knew. I’m sorry for that I wish I could be that way and make sure that you were never alone._

_I want to say, throughout all of this, I don’t blame you for leaving you had managed to do so much in the time you had here and I’m so proud of you. You are easily a better man than I could ever be, you have always been, so much better. Standing up for the little guy, even if it meant you getting beaten up by Jimmy Carbone, or going toe to toe with a literal alien, which by the way is insane and I still haven’t gotten my head around it…  Regardless of who it is, you won’t let an injustice go unanswered and I never want to lose that. The world deserves you and needs you. But I get that you had to go. It doesn’t make it any easier however, I still…. I guess…love you in some way…I’m not sure._

_You wanted peace and stability. This world, this time could never have given you it, I could never have given it to you. I’m not mad that you went back to Peggy, I get it, I knew it the moment you offered to go back, rather than giving it to Sam or me to do. Although I suppose things my get a bit awkward if I went back…you know…seeing Howard again…might not be best. I wish I had said a proper goodbye, but I know that would have made you stay, trapping you in a land you didn’t want to be a part of. I want you to know that. If you had wanted to stay with me, you would have, regardless of what I wanted you to pick, you have always been the better half of my life and that will never change._

_But Peggy was that to you, she made you want to fight for a better world and didn’t expect you to change for the world. She was the socially acceptable version of you, but I know that wasn’t why you picked her. You had already saved me and made sure that I was in a good place with a secure network that wouldn’t collapse without you. But it still hurt, we never had a proper goodbye and that hurt, but I’m not the same Bucky you grew up with and that I just can’t help, I could try but it wouldn’t work._

_Peggy worked with you, and you always dreamed of having a complete family and one that would work, and you know that she would be that, so for that I can’t complain, and if I do its just selfish. You dragged me into this world and never let me fall, so Thank you, you finally got your reward and you deserve it. But also, don’t worry about me or Sam, we’re gonna keep each other busy and out of trouble._

_It hurts that you went but I get why you would, there was really nothing left, and everything you wanted in life was stuck in the past except for you. I should’ve spoken to you when you returned, but honestly it hurt too much, to see you fulfilled, and me stuck and unable to move on. Instead its just me and Sam stuck together, two mercs without contracts protecting the earth, with those that left. But its fine, I’m not mad._

_But you know, the time travel thingy could be broken again, and you could become young, but its your decision, I’m not gonna push you._

_Yours,_

_Bucky.”_

 

He carefully placed the pen down. Tears silently running down his cheeks. This letter would never be seen by anyone. But more so that it didn’t sit on his conscious anymore. Steve was technically still alive, but it wasn’t the same, they couldn’t ever fight on the field ever again. Officially Bucky was the last serving Howling Commando. He knows he should send it, but he could never bring himself to do it. 

Rising from the desk, he knew it was time to leave. Sam had some new mission about some weird alien something being seen somewhere in Poland. It didn’t make sense to leave without him, even if Bucky didn’t remember learning Polish, he could speak it which is better than Sam appearing with those godamn wings and shield.

A new mission was a new mission, the excitement was there but it was different, and Bucky just had to get used to it, and that was his new norm. Going around with Sam instead of Steve. A new-ish life not clinging to the past, he had to move on just to survive. Either way, he had to go.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone finds Bucky's letter

After the whole time-travel and the ‘passing’ of his best friend, both Bucky and Sam decided to move in together. Both claimed it was ‘easier’ because they were working together and overall just made it safer because neither would really be going home alone. Really, Bucky just didn’t want to be left alone again after what had happened. Generally, moving was easy, neither really had anything especially after the 5-year gap combined with both being soldiers, the training of packing light and keeping only a few key possessions just seemed to expedited the whole situation. They decided on somewhere within the city just so they could make sure they had transport close. Tragically, with Nat dead and Steve so much older, Sam was really Bucky’s only friend in the whole world, sure he had the wider family, but they all had their own things to do, or Bucky wasn’t sure how much they knew about his past. All this culminated in him, sat on a fire escape cocooned in a blanket basking in the early morning sun. It was his little sanctuary out here. although he had his own room, out here it reminded him of the past. The youth; the friends; the future, everything that he had lost.

“You know, for someone who’s meant to be a secret assassin spy, you’re awful at hiding things” Sam remarked from within the flat.

“Well, I’m glad that the spying never ends with you, I mean it wasn’t even addressed to you and yet…here we are”

“Its not my fault that you’re so closed off you won’t talk to anyone about anything…”

“Well its not my fault that the only person in the entire fucking world who knew WHAT I was going through and could help my memory fucked right off as soon as everything stable. Hell, for all I know I might have some form of family left but that’s all gone.”

“Buck” Sam said, reaching his hand out to wrap around his shoulder. “You have family, you’ve got me and there’s always Clint and the rest of us.”

“How do I know you aren’t gonna leave me like he did? Or what If I slip back into my ‘old’ self like how I know you’ll be able to save me and not just put me down like some sick dog?” Bucky questioned accusingly, tears forming in his eyes. 

He knew it wasn’t fair on Sam to blame him for all of this and truly how far had Bucky fallen when he was questioning from that bright-eyed recruit all those years ago. He knew that Sam would do everything he could to protect him, but this nagging doubt was constantly there, like this was going to be a sick joke for the whole world to fear. The new bogeyman that parents tell their kids about to just behave.

“Bucky…. I won’t let that happen. Hell, even though he’s old I’m pretty sure Steve would still kill me” He said moving closer. “Like you can go and see him just he obviously can’t come on missions, he’s not gone, he just had to move on, and you can’t blame him for that”

“So now what IM the asshole because I wanted to actually spend time with my friend. The one I kept coming back to just s he could ignore me and go find a new fucking life”

“Buck, you know he fought since they woke him up, I know you didn’t get to ‘rest’” Sam exclaimed silencing Bucky’s complaints “but he found you and in a way rescued you, he was just so tired and he knew you were in a better place otherwise he wouldn’t have just left you, he had a way of having a normal life he earned it” 

“He earned it, what about me? I still must fight it until my life has been balanced out. Just how could he leave me.”

Rising from the fire escape. “Bucky, I don’t know, I don’t have the answers, but I’m not gonna leave you, now let’s get back in and get warm.” 

For the first time in however many mornings Bucky’s sat out there, he noticed the chill in the air and decided to follow, where a cup of coffee was waiting for him inside. 

“Trust me, he loved you as much as Peggy, and he wouldn’t have left you if you weren’t safe.” Sam said, resting against the back of the couch. “like I don’t know what you ever said to him, but in that letter its pretty damn clear that you loved him”.

Silently sipping from the coffee, Bucky looked up, “I did, but you know after being frozen and then lost to the world for 5 years, we must’ve grown apart, I don’t know, I know something was there but…”

“It’s alright, you don’t need to explain to me, but I’m here for you” Sam said moving towards Bucky.

“It’s just like, now I know what he felt all the times I was taken from him and for the first time we were back together, in the same time, same headspace and he just wanted to go have a normal life, and yet, he…he could’ve had me. He brought me back by saying that he’d be here ‘till the end of the line, and yet he got to get off early. I get that he worked for longer and helped save the entire world, but we had world peace and he would’ve been safe. But no, he went back to a woman he knew had a life entirely after him and changed her history for himself.” Bucky frantically muttered, the tears now flowing fully down his face. 

“I can’t get mad at him, because its what we all want, but he could’ve waited a few years, you know-”

“Buck, its fine, honestly. But he had worked so hard for the world, he went back to a time he knew he’d be safe in, with someone he knew definitively loved him and that’s all any of us ever want. And trust me man he loved you because he wouldn’t have spent so many years trying to find you if you guys were only just friends…besides, you knew that he was going before anyone else did. Before we thought he’d gotten killed”

“Yeah…that’s true…but he didn’t really give me time to talk to him about it, just had to let him go, to her” 

Sam hugged Bucky, grounding him in that moment. 

“Man trust me, I’m here for you, we’ll get through this, either way, we gotta go see Fury today for some mission, you think you’re up for it”

“Yeah I’ll be fine, imma gonna go sleep for a bit just wake me up before”

Bucky wandered back into his room feeling a bit lighter than before. He knew that it would be hard to move on past this, but eventually he would. He curled up in his bed and for the first time in months he simply went to sleep without being plagued by the constant flashes to a life he thought he knew. But now he was at peace. At last.


End file.
